I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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