uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
