I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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