apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
