She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize