Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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