I love black thongs
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
