i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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