the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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