When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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