I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
