I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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