Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
