Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
