Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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