My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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