Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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