i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
