we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
