if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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