accomplished twins. life is a go
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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