hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
