she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
