i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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