Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
