I met the friendliest cop last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
