why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
