I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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