My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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