I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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