He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
