A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
