my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
