I just pynch a tree in the face
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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