Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
