oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
