New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
