I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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