Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
