someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
