so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
