rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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