Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
