Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i love accidental penises.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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