your parents love me but you hate me
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
