How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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