his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
