not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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