they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
