I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
