i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
As shirtless as possible
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
