The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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