There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Every concussion has its silver lining
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
