and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
